love, always

It’s safe to say that until Corporate came back into my life I haven’t had the best luck with guys.  The first guy I dated, well we didn’t’ really date but he ended up ditching me at semi-formal to dance with the girl who eventually became his girlfriend while we were still an item… or not, honestly I don’t remember…. The second guy I dated – Duke – was amazing for the 2 months we were together… if he just didn’t keep pushing for sex or other sexually related actions! (Point of fact: I was 15). After Corporate and I separated for the first time Small-Town I dated turned out to be a possessive manipulative controlling stalker, even though I had seen him for 1.5 months.  The fifth guy I dated – Brunswick – turned out to be a possessive manipulative controlling lying stalker… hmm, didn’t I just say that?

So with time to think at my office this morning I’ve come to the conclusion that when it comes to significant others I am a very poor judge of character.  Perhaps I see something in these guys that isn’t really there; perhaps I see something in these guys that CAN be there and become disappointed when they fail to reach their potential and my expectations; perhaps I hold too high expectations and because of that I am bound to be disappointed; perhaps I’m even more gullible then I thought; perhaps I just suck; perhaps I attract more wrong guys than right guys, and when there is a choice between a right guy and a wrong guy I always go for the wrong guy; perhaps I still just suck.Problem is I know better.  I should know better, I know I know better; my body says it, my mind says it, my conscience says it, my FRIENDS say it, my family sometimes says it… and yet despite all the intelligence that surrounds me I STILL end up with the freaks, the assholes, the morons, the stalkers, the-you-name-it… basically the people in my life – be it co-workers, colleagues, family members, strangers… people that think they can walk into my life and shit all over me.

So what does a girl do?  The answer is obvious: she marries herself.

HEAR me out on this one;  this is about more than just getting a 485$ pair of Manolo Blahniks.  I was thinking about commitment in general lately… some people say that a relationship gets harder as it goes on, some people say it gets easier, some people say neither and refuse to categorize relationships as hard or easy and as a dynamic, ever changing entity that requires love, understanding and an open mind.  The people that fall into the first category never really make it into a committed relationship because they fear the work required to sustain it and if it doesn’t work out, they fear the failure… or in some cases they fear success.  The people that fall into the second category are the eternal optimists, but they are just so happy and excited and believe that the relationship should “just work” without effort and change… The people that fall into the third category need no explanation.

(Oh, and this isn’t based on research or statistics or other crap… just on the few observations I’ve made in my brief existence thus far. I’m probably totally wrong but hey; it’s just my blog.)

I then got to thinking about the effort I was putting into the relationship I have with myself.  I was re-reading a few private entries I had written what I had written when things between me and my boyfriend or me and my family weren’t too hot and thinking back “did I really believe this about myself?”.  Yes I admit I am notorious for being extra hard on myself and demanding more than I can sometimes handle, but seriously… there is a difference between putting yourself down and burying yourself into the ground.  And you know what?  I should probably stop doing that.  I really shouldn’t let someone as sick and twisted as Brunswick, as SmallTown, or hell as Greg sometimes (there are no ‘anonymous’ comments on this post) convince me that I am anything less than a decent person.

At the end of the day, there is me.  I don’t have to answer to anyone but me, with the exception of the universe seeing as how I’ve been answering to it for the past 4 months for some karmic boo-boo that I must have committed during a previous life… I’ll always have me simply because I can’t run away or hide from me, I’ve automatically got my back, I automatically take my side (.. well that’s not true but I’d like to change to when I’m right), I’ll always be there to take care of me…

But I write this NOT to downplay the importance of people in my life.  My friends ARE indeed the loves of my life; my family gave me life; my VERY best friends are my link to life and my link to the obvious when I’m being blind or stupid or both… this isn’t about taking a “me against the world mothafucka!” stance;  this is about taking a vow to not treat myself like shit.  Maybe then I’ll find someone who won’t step in and do that for me.

Hence the idea of marriage.  The first words that popped into my head when I was contemplating this was “to love, honour and obey..” even though I am sure it’s changed to “love, honour and cherish”… anyway the point is what better way to solidify a vow then to “marry” yourself to it?  And I’m not talking about one of those 5-years-tops Hollywood marriages; I’m stuck with me for life as it is, might as well set some ground rules.

I, Carrie, take me, to be myself. My constant friend, my faithful partner-in-crime and my love from this day forward.  In the presence of my INTERNET and real life friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and ESPECIALLY in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally irregardless of what stupid things you’ll do, what you (may accidentally) do to someone else, to support you in your goals instead of chew you out when you don’t always achieve them, to honour and respect you by sleeping, eating, exercising, socializing and having fun, to laugh with you and at you and cry with you, and to cherish you, ie actually LIKE you. I will trust your intuition and respect it, I will trust the opinions of my true friends, and I will never quit regardless of the obstacles I’m going to find myself and put myself in.  I promise to stop beating myself stupid when I don’t succeed, and I promise to celebrate properly when I do succeed. This I promise to you for as long as we live because damnit, we’re stuck together! 

So now the question remains… where should I register?

{Editors note: I will show you the ring I got myself – from ebay, no doubt! – that I wear on my right hand’s ring finger as soon as I find my cord to upload pictures from my camera.  Hey; the left hand says ‘we’, the right hand says ‘me’.} 


~ by Carrie on February 19, 2008.

30 Responses to “love, always”

  1. […] Fuckbuddy info | Looking for a Fuckbuddy wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt It’s safe to say that until Corporate came back into my life I haven’t had the best luck with guys.  The first guy I dated, well we didn’t’ really date but he ended up ditching me at semi-formal to dance with the girl who eventually became his girlfriend while we were still an item… or not, honestly I don’t remember…. The second guy I dated – Duke – was amazing for the 2 months we were together… if he just didn’t keep pushing for sex or other sexually related actions! (Point of fact: I was 15) […]

  2. Beautiful … nothing else need be said 🙂

  3. Great idea! I’m with you all the way on this one. My luck hasn’t been much better with men…is it the men? Or me? Hmm…

  4. I love this. I actually took myself out on a date this weekend – Chinese food, then the ballet, then a quiet night with the movies. I’ve been trying to do at least one thing for me each weekend. It’s working so far.

  5. Exactly the reason I declared Thursday self-loved day. I hope you’ll be very happy with yourself 🙂

  6. I love this idea Carrie! You’ve got to have your own back – but I love that you’re doing it formally with a ring and everything. I’ll be looking forward to the pictures!

  7. Carrie, I, too, used to date potential, not reality. I finally got to the point of realizing I needed to date someone who is good for me now, not someone I hope will eventually be good. I also am with someone who was a friend for years before we “crossed the line”…almost 3 years and it’s going dandy…
    But for you, in the mean time, check out the lyrics to the song, “Me”, by tamia- very appropriate for your wedding first dance!

    You ask me if there’s someone else
    I replied yes, hell yes
    You asked me if it’s another man, I said no
    You laughed and say is it a woman, I say yeah
    Surprisingly you asked for honey’s name

    And her name is me,
    And she loves me more than you’ll ever know
    And I finally see that loving you and loving me
    Just don’t seem to work at all
    So patiently, she’s waiting on me to tell you
    That she needs love
    And to choose between you two, boy you know
    If I have to chosse, I choose me

  8. Great post … only when I marry myself, I want the Manolo’s!


  9. Love it!!!! I’ll have to tell a few of my friends about this concept.
    and what I like best about being married to yourself- you don’t need to involve the government LOL

    great post carrie

  10. This was a great post!!!!!

  11. You’re so fabulous! I am way better than 95% of the men I have dated… hmm..

  12. So beautifully written – such a great self love declaration!

  13. Interesting post 🙂 I’m too afraid of that sort of commitment, even when it comes to myself, but hey, if it works for you it works for you!

    So does this mean carrie is single? Or just a vow to loving herself a little more than usual?

  14. Amen, sister!
    Open bar??

  15. Carrie: are you going tonight for sure? It’s freezing, I am not 100% sure but if you are than I might go 🙂 C’mon PLEASE COME!! Let’s celebrate!!

  16. So good news! My time off has been approved and I booked my ticket today! It’s only going to be a short visit cause getting time off work is like pulling teeth. But I’m flying in to Ottawa on March 6 at 1:23pm. I’ll be spending Thurs and part of Friday in Ottawa cause Friday night I’m heading home and the flying out on Monday. So Thursday night is the night! Clear you calendars! and I’m assuming Friday morning we’ll do Ginas?

  17. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. Um, I work at like 8:30am people. So let’s make it totally worthwhile!!!! I say we stay out all frickin night long!!!!K, so Thurs night, and breaky on Fri morning. This is gonna be too friggin sweet.

  18. To add to my fabulousness, I took a dip in the Ganges today! Yup, that great river in India where they throw dead bodies, I had a lovely dip!

    Note to Carrie: I might need a live-in nurse when I move back to Canada.

    Guess what guys… I’m home in like a week… Felt I should throw that out there!

  19. aw lovah thanks for the message, made my day. miss you so much, update me when you get a minute ok??
    xoxox cant wait to hear from you
    love you.. alot

  20. HEY! Would you interested in a lil’ trip to VEGAS with me at the end of May?? Let me know! The shoppin’ there is amazing… and well… so is everything else!!

    I was thinking around May 28-June 2 ish! A friend of mine is gonna be there too! I’m trying to talk F* to come too with a buddy. No couples allowed haha! Vegas is amazing! It’s not cheap though! Interested??

  21. Happy Valentine’s day BABE!!! Thanks for the text message!!!!
    LOVE YOU♥ Miss you tons too baby!!!!!! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?????

  22. @ George ~ Aw; thank you so much.

    @ Carla ~ Nice! So you’ll invite me to the wedding, right?

    @ distracted spunk ~ that sounds like an AMAZING date. I think we should all have a date with ourselves at least once in our lives.

    @ Cheryl ~ Thursdays eh? That sounds like an awesome idea! I find Sundays (as in CSI Sundays on Spike) my love-me day… maybe because I like spending the day on my futon eating, sleeping and watching CSI.

  23. @ Kyla ~ Thanks girl! I know you’re getting married to your man soon but I thought you’d appreciate it! And now I have to get the ring sized; sigh…

    @ evans ~ Glad to hear that things are going well for you now; ah the dating the potential instead of the person; we all have to learn eventually, don’t we? And thanks for the lyrics; I was just looking for new music!

    @ Airam ~ Oh, not to say that if someone chooses to buy me a pair of Manolo’s I wouldn’t accept them…

    @ B ~ Aw; how flattering! *blush* thanks girl! YES; and no taxes or wedding planners or politics either! WOOT!

  24. @ Michael C ~ thanks buddy!!

    @ Bre ~ Aw – so are you girlfriend!!!! And yes you ARE!!!

    @ Princess Extraordinaire ~ thank you so much!

    @ theMayor ~ Don’t be afraid! I won’t bite… this post wasn’t supposed to be narcissistic in any way; I love my friends, my family, my Corporate, my George Michael/Dani Heatley … generally the people in my life that make it worth while. I just want to remind myself that I have to love me and love the ones who love the me I love.

    @ Princess Pointful ~ YOU BET sista!

  25. @ Nicole ~ I emailed you!

    @ Angelica, Audrey & Christie ~ You guys are nuts.

  26. @ K ~ I miss you too! I’ll update you for sure ok sweetie?

    @ Breanna ~ Hey girl! Glad you’re back from vacay! We’ll chat later today, cool?

    @ Donna ~ Hey cutie pie!!! I’ll email you today; cool?

  27. I love love love love this! Such a great idea, it is so important to give yourself the love you deserve and make yourelf a priority. Because you? ABSOLUTELY ROCK! You deserve someone honest, kind, caring and oh…lookie here…that’s you! Excuse me while I go send you the Coach bag you’ve registered for.

  28. @ Ruby ~ thanks girlfriend! You know my style… I like it! And AW; you’re makin me blush!

  29. I was once lost in a sea of rotten fish. In a sense I decided to marry myself. Shortly afterward, when I quit looking for ‘the one’, I met and ended up marrying a really great fish. Right now I guess I’m a two-timer or something. 🙂

  30. @ simplypink ~ hardly! I’ve had the best luck with relationships when I wasn’t looking!! and CONGRATS!

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