the one where I buy away my anxiety

How come it’s always the BAD dreams that you have that have to come true instead of, you know, dreams of me winning the lottery and having a personal esthetician around me at all times. Or the one where I wake up and I’m magically done my nursing degree in a fabulous flat with Corporate and George Michael sleeping next to me enjoying one of my 5 (yes 5) days off. No… no; it’s always the awkward dreams, the dreams where you really wish you WERE going to wake up in your Old Navy pyjamas and the alarm going off in your ear.

Let me elaborate: I was having lunch with one of my girlfriends, let’s call her Breanna (Sorry Bre!), on one of my sporadic days off from nursing imposed to make sure that none of us actually hang ourselves, or put to use our pharmacological knowledge in an adverse way. Anyways, she and I were discussing our up-coming Christmas party at the office and of course, when our dress shopping would commence. Bre was telling me that lately she’s been a bit of a Guess-whore, which I would be too if I had an income that didn’t start and end with OSAP. She was describing to me this fabulous little silver dress that she had fallen in love with but didn’t quite know if it was appropriate for an office event. Now me being me and having time between reading and going to the gym, thought in my head that I would go check it out for her while scoping out the dresses that I may be buying in 2 weeks.

As I wandered into the Guess in one of Ottawa’s malls, I was on a mission: I had neither the time nor the available income to purchase all the lovely items displayed before me at Guess. After circling the store twice, I finally found what I think she was looking at. And it was totally hot. Either way I had found what I was looking for, and was going to head out to HMV or perhaps Music World to partake in the last Christmas of the CD.

And that’s when, out of the corner of my bad eye (I had an eye infection and thus could not wear my contact lens) I saw a foreboding figure at the door. You know, those greeters who say “hi” and “goodbye” to all the potential clients of Guess? At first I thought nothing of it, partly because I really couldn’t see and he looked nothing like the Guess employee who gave me his number and I ‘forgot’ to call. Ahem. No it wasn’t him. The two of us ended up doing a double take, both in disbelief that it was indeed the other person that was within eyesight.

I felt my heart begin to race. My skin became warm and my senses were perked to stay and fight, or better yet, get the hell out of there. A smile began to emerge from his face as he established eye contact with me, and I knew I had been spotted and worse, acknowledge him.

It was Brunswick.

For my new readers, Brunswick is my psycho ex number 2… He and I dated for 8 months, almost a year, but the majority of it was spent arguing over our extreme differences. See, I like my independence-like to do my own thing-all the while being in a committed relationship where space and time is given to the significant other as well as friends and family. Brunswick… had to be around me or know where I was at all times. He didn’t like it when I went out with my friends, male or female, and insinuated that I would cheat on him. He had friends “watch” me, or at least put that idea in my head. He would start to control what I ate, where I went, what I wore, who I spoke to… and when I fought back convinced me that I was wrong, and that all our problems would go away if I just listened to him… or how he put it, “things change only when people change”. No matter how many times I tried to break things off with him he would literally follow me around and cry and beg for another chance, and when that didn’t work, would berate me and call me insensitive and selfish. And I believed him… until my dear friend Chris slapped some sense into me at work one Sunday.

That same day I broke things off for good. Except Brunswick didn’t understand. He refused to leave my office, and I had to get my boss to escourt him off the property. But he didn’t go away. He called my cell phone and the office line continuiously until my boss had to call his cell phone and tell him to leave me alone. I had to have a friend pick me up from my office, and had 6 friends be around me the entire night. Even after I turned off my cell phone he would call consistenly until my friends answered and yelled at him to leave me alone. It was then when he threatened to meet me at home later – when we didn’t live together – and I had to have friends stay with me in my apartment until I got ahold of the police.

A very kind detective called and emailed Brunswick to inform him that if his behaviour continued that he would be arrested and charged with criminal harassment. The next thing I heard was that – in our group of friends – Brunswick had broken up with ME because I cheated on him and he confronted the guy. Right… Nobody really believed him because he never brought it up as suspicions or anything. It was just out of the blue.

Just like this encounter.

I took a deep breath, knowing that there was only one way out and Brunswick was standing in my way. I started to walk with a purpose and without even looking straight at him, headed towards the door.

“Hi. How are you?” He asked non-chalantely and with a coy smile on his face, as if our past was non-existent, as if he didn’t do the things he did.

“Fine. How are you.” I answered while still in motion, and I didn’t even pause or stop to hear his answer.

I breathed a sigh of relief after I was well past Townshoes as I searched feverishly for my cell phone to call Nicole. I was still shaking and I could feel the sweat against my now boiling choice of clothing. As I entered Le Chateau while talking to Nicole, I was still in a state of disbelief. I still couldn’t believe he had the gaul to talk to me. I mean – we’ve seen each other in passing every so often, but I thought it was understood that eye contact and verbal contact was strictly forbidden, or at the very least expected to NOT be returned if attempted. Perhaps it was a job thing; however I’ve seen Guess greeters ignore customers who didn’t buy anything, so really; what was so different with me?

And as I walked out of Le Chateau carrying my new electric blue halter mermaid cut semi-dress, I got to thinking about my reaction to the unexpected run-in with Brunswick. I know that some people will say that I over-reacted; that the past is the past and that’s that. But despite my independence and strength that I know I possess… Brunswick really scared me. He took away my sense of security at school, at my places of work, at my home… He took away (temporarily) my self-esteem, making me believe that I was this terrible, awful, selfish person and that all of my problems would be solved if I just changed and became the person he wanted me to be. He took away my trust – in that now I have an even harder time compromising myself and my beliefs for the sake of my relationship; case in point, The Name Game. For the longest time I couldn’t leave my apartment, and kept looking over my shoulder at the places I’d normally go to because he knew where I’d be and what I’d be doing. He took away a lot… and only know have I started to regain what I lost.

I know that I can’t keep buying away my anxiety every time I have a run-in with an unpleasent person… but knowing that I’d be on the arm of Corporate while wearing this dress at one of the many holiday parties I’ll be attending this season brought back some of the calm that I had before I entered Guess.

That… and it’s super hot. And goes well with my 4 inch silver shoes and my silver/gold Coach wristlet.

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~ by Carrie on November 14, 2007.

27 Responses to “the one where I buy away my anxiety”

  1. yay for sexy hot dresses. i do believe they make things better in many situations along with dashing handsome men with intriguing cover names such as ‘corporate.’

    i too indulge in retail therapy at times. keep thinking positive – classy holiday parties and stylish dresses and boyfriends do make the season bright.

    regarding the ex-best-friend-that-got-pregnant … i really don’t think she did it to “trap” him but because i think she really believes it will make it all better and they will be a happy family forever and her newborn son will love her unconditionally forever … that scares me. i think she’s delusional and it really deeply upsets me that her schemes now have such maniacal grandeur .

    i’ve escaped though. and me? i do as you do. i think about my sexy coordinated outfits and my marvelously decorated apartment and the wonderful parties i’m going to have soon. and you will too i’m sure!

  2. I think you handled that with maturity and grace, I’m sorry for what you had to endure with him but I am so proud of you for fighting back, not giving in to the manipulation/mind games and for working hard now to bring yourself back to the secure, well balanced, wonderful person you are. *hug*
    Sometimes though you do need to shop it away.

  3. I believe you should never feel bad about a purchase – so enjoy!!

    and if you come work with me we actaully have 5 days off in a row but you work 4 12’s in a row to get them but George Michael I can’t help you with- sorry- you know he’s gay though right??? LOL

  4. @ skcitygirl~ It’s funny how sexy dresses DO make problems go away… even for a little while. And thank you for the compliment re: ‘Corporate’! I named him that because he works for a bit corporation… And yes; positive vibes also help.

    @ Ruby ~ HEY GIRL! Nice to see you back!! Thank you dahling… it is SO hard to fight back in that kind of situation, so I believe that everyone who DOES is brave. And yes… shopping really DOES make everything better!

  5. @ Belinda ~ George Michael is the name of the kitty I’m planning to get summer of 2008. And yes – when I get my nursing degree I do plan on working on a floor where I get 5 days off… well it’s more like 4, because you spend the first day sleeping to catch up!!

  6. I love that you dream of being in bed with Corporate AND George Michael. Kitten or not that sounds hilarious lol

    Those people make us stronger because we learn who to avoid. That can be a better lesson to learn sooner than later. I’ve had frightening experiences with exes before and the one thing I can say is that being able to say someone that you gave that much control over to at some point is out of your life is a huge accomplishment.

    Good job miss!

  7. @ Kyla ~ A haha now that I re-read it it DOES sound kinda funny if you didn’t catch my previous post about wanting a kitty! And he’s named after George Michael Bluth on Arrested Development… GREAT show.

    You’re totally right; that incident with Brunswick, although scary as hell, has taught me the warning signs of people I’m better of avoiding. And thank you – it is a big accomplishment to say that a person like that IS out of my life for good.

  8. 1) It’s very odd to see your own name in print when it doesn’t referene you! Ooky!
    2) Retail therapy is the best kind sometimes! As long as you don’t go TOO crazy it can be very helpful!

  9. @ Bre ~ Oh mys!! I’ll correct that; didn’t mean to ook you out!! And 2) retail therapy, in small doses, is just lovely.

  10. Wow, that guy sounds just awful. I had a similar relationship (though not to the extent of craziness it seems you had to endure). My boyfriend was 8 years older than me, wanted to act like my father (even though he acted like a 20 year old), said *I* tried to control *him*, but he would yell at me if I didn’t *make* him get out of bed on time in the morning (he wanted the best of both worlds). He would yell at me if we didn’t have sex for a week, and then accuse me of cheating on him. It took my friends and family to finally get out of that hell hole. Good riddance!

  11. @ Valerie ~ Oh my… that sounds terrible. I’m glad you had friends and family that got you out of that as well: it’s awful when men (and women; we’re not immune to this) start to believe that loving someone = controling their every move for their benefit…

  12. ??????

  13. YEAH! Can you believe it?????

  14. AAH! I go in there all the time! What does he look like?

  15. OMGS Bella I’m sorry I didn’t hear my phone and I was getting my nails done I hope everything is ok *hugs*

  16. @ Breanna ~ I’ll text you; or I’ll hide behind the plants after pointing him out. Sound like a plan?

    @ Nicole ~ Oh no worries sweetheart: I’m just glad I could talk to you for a little bit right after it happened!

  17. OMG I HEARD I am so so sorry. Shocks like that are the worst!! Also sorry I missed your call yesterday, my phone was on silent blah blah.

  18. @ Mackenzie ~ No worries babe; aren’t they they worst?? And it wasn’t even like I could hide behind something and wait for him to vanish into thin air like the demon he is; as a greeter he was practically waiting there for me to leave. CREEPY!!!!

  19. What a horrible experience for you – and what a total psycho – the name suits him well – I am glad you just had a casual run in with him and that he didn’t pursue you more – ugh – LOSER!

    I AM happy that you got the killer dress – way to go – I know you’ll look hot when you finally get the chance to wear it and lure corporate into bed.lol

  20. @ Princess Extraoridinaire ~ A HAHAHAHA! Thanks girl!! That’s the ultimate plan… lure Corporate into bed, although Corporate being any hot-blooded man it really isn’t too hard… And I too am glad that he didn’t follow me… this time. But oh well; now I know to avoid that area of the mall. The more you know…

  21. I think you handled the situation really well. And you’ve got every right to not want to talk to him, even in passing. I hope that you have fun at your Christmas party!

  22. @ Airam ~ Thank you; I think so too. I didn’t owe him anything, ESPECIALLY when he acted like nothing happened… which to me is impossible. You can’t forget being called by a policewoman threatening charges of criminal harassment. Seriously.

  23. You should never feel uncomfortable about seeing a former. You should act confident and proud. Look like you are so over him that he means nothing, less than nothing to you. It will make him feel so small and stupid. And you will feel good about yourself for doing it.

  24. @ George ~ If it were a former ex that didn’t involve the police, I’d do exactly as you said. However that chance encounter took me waaaay off guard. Plus all of my anxieties were well hidden, what’s here is just my inner monologue of freaked-outness that I managed to keep in check while bee-lining to the door. But I get your point; and since I’ve already passed that first milestone of seeing him without vomiting, I think I can keep in mind your advice for the next time… Should there be a next time.

  25. […] Previous: the one where I buy away my anxiety   […]

  26. […] controlling stalker, even though I had seen him for 1.5 months.  The fifth guy I dated – Brunswick – turned out to be a possive manipulative controlling lying stalker… hmm, didn’t I just […]

  27. this reminds me of this other person’s blog psycho ex stalker

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