Something it’s not

I can only give you everything I’ve got…

Last Friday, yesterday in fact, I was at work – a company that I’ve been a part of for the better of three years. During my time here I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some incredible people – some people that I still keep in touch with despite them leaving for bigger and better opportunities. Last summer I was introduced to my still-co worker now, let’s call her “Rebecca”, and she and I became fast friends. We thought alike, spoke alike, had the same interests, same sense of humour, hell even similar pasts (THAT was the freaky part). Anyways Rebecca and I soon exchanged cell phone numbers and had many a lunch date that reflected our similar interests and the friendship seemed to be off to a swimming start.

The introduction to other new co-workers, 1 in particular, let’s call her “Addie” made for some interesting conversations, ideas and of course, outings. One night in the summer, I’m guessing it was sometime back in August or maybe September… I’m guessing August as it was still warm enough to go out clubbing without jackets and I wasn’t buried under a mountain of schoolwork. Anyway one night in the summer, after Addie and I and my friend Chris had been drinking since around 5:15 pm – we ended up at a bar in the heart of the Market. It was the same night that ended with me being followed by the handsome stranger from Montreal that I had been dancing with on-and-off during the night; some parts were getting pretty hot, others not so much. It was a crowded dance floor, I was drunk, and having a good time. So was Addie, who managed to get drinks from almost every single available man on the floor. Rebecca had arrived late and as such was nowhere near as tipsy as the rest of us were, and since she is engaged she declined to, well, engage, in the flirtation game that Addie and I were so enjoying.

The night ended and we all went our seperate ways – but back at the office when our co-workers who declined to join us asked for details, they were stymied with our pact of “If you weren’t there; you weren’t there” – kind of like “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”.

That is.. until Friday at lunch.

I can’t even recall where and how this night came up, but near the end of lunch after we had regalled some tame moments of the night, Rebecca thought it to be funny to look me straight in the eye and say “I saw Carrie give this guy a lapdance”.

I could feel the fire in my cheeks turn my brown skin red as the entire table of co-workers, many of which I respect and respected me (punctuation on purpose) turned in shock and surprise, their eyes searching for an explination or an adament rejection of something so terrible coming from such a sweet girl as myself. I took a breath and paused – unable to recall the specifics of the evening with the weight of embarassment crushing my shoulders and my chest. In fact I don’t think I even had the mindset to defend myself as I was so shocked that Rebecca, someone I had considered one of my friends moreso than co-workers, would so publically and openly paint me with a scarlet brush.

Knowing that I had mere seconds to defend myself I admitted that I did dance with the guy; he was a good dancer. We danced most of the evening. And I do remember grinding with this guy – and I do remember that one moment he was standing and the next he was sitting; but we were still dancing and his hands were still on my hips. But the way that she said it made it seem, and the looks on my other co-workers faces support my interpretation of her interpretation, that I was practically naked and straddeling him, front to back, on a high-rising stage, suggestively moving my hips and body just for his pleasure and enjoyment. I don’t know about you, but when someone says ‘lapdance’ I picture something along the lines of a strip club with a practically naked professional grinding front and back, stuffing some man’s face into her ample clevage where he leaves dollar bills. And let me tell you – that was NOT what happened.

I was dancing with him. That is all. It was a crowded and packed dance floor with little space to breathe, let alone dance. It was around 1:00 am, so we were tired. I remember my legs hurting and being grateful to sit for a little bit – it just so happened to be on his CLOTHED lap. But that’s not what Rebecca, and now the rest of the company, thinks. Now I’m a whore, or at the very least, less respected than I was before.

And for that – I’m insulted. I’m insulted that Rebecca, someone I had considered to be more of a friend, would embarass and insult me so publically and so non-chalantly, like it was comperable to proclaiming what colour my shirt was that day. She did it without a moments hesitation; knowing that her interpretation and her delivery was both excessive and painted a far worse picture of yours truly than what the truth revealed. And, of course, how this will inevitably degenerate into me turning tricks on the guy on stage completely naked, and then going home with him, and me waking up with 400$ next to the bedside.

Half of me wishes to get even; for my little ‘show’ as she puts it is nowhere NEAR as slutty as her on Halloween – slutty enough to get her fiance mad enough at her.. mad enough to leave the bar with her jacket and keys… all without telling her. Slutty enough for her to destroy all the pictures of her, the majority of them capturing her signature dance move of bending over to anything and anyone. Slutty enough for her to be on Facebook, tagged as the “naughty nurse” with her leg around strangers, guys and girls, without hesitation.

But the other half of me … doesn’t. 2 wrongs don’t make a right, and although Rebecca chooses to be my very own US magazine, telling stories with partial truths to get the attention and fame she desperately needs… it’s not my style for me to do it to her, or anyone for that matter. I don’t judge; the very next day after her tryst at the bar on Halloween I met her for a day of shopping as she didn’t want to deal with her fiance; I continued to go out with her for a few drinks here and there; I participated in her Secret Santa exchange; I booked her graduation dinner; hell, I even gave her a free week of tanning at my former roommates place of employment. And this is how she shows her friendship to me, by bad-mouthing me with half truths to my peers?

I decided to keep my mouth shut in and outside the lunchroom – shaking my head and rolling my eyes. I tried my very best to not get bent out of shape for a night that happened almost 9 months ago when clearly, without going into detail, there were others in the room, Rebecca included, who acted worse than I at company functions – not something on their own personal time. And I will not share the story of Halloween to anyone else but her if I decide to confront her for Friday’s lunch; I take no pleasure in telling other peoples stories and spreading rumours and lies – because if you do that too often, soon enough you’ll run out of people to have stories to tell about.

But herein lies the question: do I confront her, and if I do, what do I say? How do you tell someone that they’ve betrayed you, that what they said – although it was in public and yes they did see it, was both uncalled for and particularily cruel… Something you would expect from an acquaintance that you didn’t really get along with as supposed to someone you consider a friend?

I think that the fact that I even have to confront her – that this has to happen, is what’s making me so sad. I guess I’m not used to friends doing that to each other.

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~ by Carrie on April 22, 2007.

23 Responses to “Something it’s not”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear this! Maybe your new friend has some personal issues that are as of yet unresolved because this doesn’t sound very friendly.

    I think boundaries are very important in friendships, and saying something to her outside of work one on one might be helpful. Being non-threatening and simply asking her why she did XYZ, and then saying you were surprised she would will probably put her on the spot enough to make her think twice before doing that again.

    Sometimes girls especially (in my experience) feel the need to assert them selves over other people to make them feel good about themselves. Judging by what you said about her Halloween night she might be a little too interested in attracting attention to herself, and gossip is a way of doing that. My thought would be that ignoring her behaviour gives her the go ahead to do it again.

  2. I don’t think you should confront her for a couple of reasons. It won’t do any good and won’t affect the minds of anybody who heard her. If you do confront her and somebody in the group finds out, the reason you confronted her was because it was really true what Rebecca said. Either way you lose I am afraid.

    Letting her go would probably be the wisest choice .. if she was a friend she would not have done that.

    I think you were being too kind when you described the girls who strip as half naked professionals. half naked hookers, half naked drug addicts, half naked students trying to pay their way in school would have been more to the truth.

  3. let the dead be buried .. i agree with George on this one .. she does NOT deserve a confrontation, let alone your brain time !

    Great that you did not retaliate at that moment in the restaurant, would have only made matters messier.

    Next time you go ‘bezerk’ make sure everyone with you is also as drunk as you are 😀

  4. Oh my word, quite an unfortunate situation to be in. Quintessential me would be the type to just cut her off my life and move on. I’m the type to rarely forgive (more so forget). But you must take into factor that she’s a good friend and that you probably wouldn’t want to lose her. Perhaps a heart to heart would be good? Is she receptive to these sort of things? Best to get it out of the way… and you can further make a decision on what you want to do judging on how she reacts to it. But surely she didn’t mean any malice by doing so. Some people just get carried away by the situation. I understand you feel betrayed, I would too, but it’s up to you to decide just how precious your friendship is with her. Good luck, love, and I sincerely hope it all works out. Unfortunately though, things wouldn’t be quite how it was before… not initially, at least.

  5. I wonder what she thought she would gain from such a move?

    Sometimes no action is the best action.

  6. What a little tart to do that to you.

    I’d sleep with her boyfriend, but I’m catty like that.

  7. Oh I’m sorry that happened to you! That really sucks. I would feel the same way as you, betrayed and lacking trust by someone I had considered a best friend.

    I would confront her about it, because I just wouldn’t be able to see her, work with her, still hangout with her (I’m not sure if you two still do go out together?), with just letting that go.

    I think how you worded it was perfect. I’d maybe ask if she wants to grab lunch or coffee after work, maybe even say you want to talk to her about something (let HER stew a bit about what that could be!), and just mention, like you said- how you thought what she did was kind of cruel, and you had expected more from someone you considered such a good friend.

    But boy, that just sucks. I’m sorry! I would definitely say SOMEthing though. Otherwise she’ll go on thinking it’s all okay, and who knows what else she could bust out at a staff meeting in the future- thinking it’s no! big! deal!

  8. That’s horrible. I find when people do things like this to embarass you or bring you down, it is usually to make them feel better about themselves. Unless this girl is a complete idiot, I think she knew what she was doing to you. Maybe she said this about you to justify her actions on Halloween in her head.

    I’m not big on confrontation. In fact, I hate it and avoid it whenever possible. If it were me, I probably wouldn’t confront her, but I would limit my contact with her to work events only.

  9. LOL @ Jessica.

  10. I guess it depends on whether or not you value your friendship with her enough to move past it. Sounds like maybe she wishes she’d been the one giving him the lap dance…

  11. why bother, you learned something, you can’t trust her 100% remember that.

    I agree with jessica- she is a little tart!

  12. That’s an awful thing to do! Yikes…

    Is it worth it to you to maintain the friendship? Personally, I would cut my losses here and go.

  13. I would definitely say something. I might even pointedly ask why she did that. Maybe she didn’t think you’d be embarrassed. She may be the type to “need” inside jokes to feel good. I have friends like that.

    Anyhow, it seems like you’ve invested in a friendship with her. If that’s the case, its worth it to say something. If anything else, for your own sense of self. It’s empowering to defend yourself once in a while.

    And besides, it may end up making you closer friends. If she reacts badly, cut and run.

  14. I would leave her be. You’re better than a confrontation with her. Besides, there are some sly arguments she could use to retaliate and gauging how highly she values this friendship, those arguments would only bring you down. (i.e. behaviour at work-related functions, office gossip, etc.) Just playing devil’s advocate and seriously, she’s a skank and you’re not so leave her be.

  15. I agree with Brookem. I just know I wouldn’t be able to let go of it until I heard why she thought that was appropriate, or more imiportantly, why I didn’t think it was. That’s a tough situation she’s put you in though!

  16. @ kyla bea – I’m sorry it had to happen too… I think she IS one of those girls who likes any kind of attention brought to her, especially when it makes her seem ‘better’ than other people… and I’m not sure if I want someone like that in my life as more than a co-worker.

    @ george – I’m starting to lean that way, especially since I can’t possibly predict her reaction to a confrontation, even if it starts out nicely.

    @raghav – thanks for stopping by!

    @ beth – You’re right: she’s not a complete idiot. In fact she’s really smart, so there is no argument for ignorance on her part.

  17. @ brookem — I actually haven’t spoken to her much since it happened, and I think she can tell. I don’t even look at her – the one time I had to was when we were passing each other. Besides ‘office functions’ I don’t think I will accept any invites to events where she will be, lest I need to be on my very best behaviour in fear that my personal life will be a lunch time debate.

    @ princess banter — I too find it easier to cut destructive people out of my life than to fight to change them. I mean, if it’s her personality, deep down, then there is no chance in hell that she could ever really be a ‘true’ friend.

    @ the exception — I don’t know what she was thinking she would gain from what she did: popularity? The office, if it were split into 2, would be a majority of ‘Team Carrie’ because I’m nice and not backstabbing… but why then did Rebecca decide to highlight her backstabbing quality? I don’t know… and if shes going to keep treating me like that I’m too indifferent to care.

    @ jessica — LOL. Yes she is a tart – but her fiance is ugly and awkward and I would have to be drunker than I was at the bar to even consider the wicked idea.

  18. @ brr — A haha – judging by her actions at Halloween she missed the single life and all the attention men used to give her. Maybe she isn’t used to having someone else in her circle of friends take some of the attention that was once reserved for her. She might be one of those girls who befriends girls she thinks aren’t as pretty as her to guarantee all the male attention when said girlfriends go out. And isnt that awful?

    @ b — Lesson learned. I am keeping my mouth shut from her… well, except for maybe a “congratulations you’re famous” if she ever found my blog!

    @ ruby — I think that cutting-and-running might very well be the best thing to do; there are some friendships worth maintaining, some worth fighting for, and some, like ours, that make me wonder if it really WAS friendship.

  19. @ anothertwentysomething –Mhm. Oh so true, I can just see me flying over the lunch table next time this happens a la Mean Girls… and it’s SO true because Rebecca looks like the brunette version of Regina George. I, however, look nothing like Lindsay Lohan. Well, maybe her body type when she was healthy.

    @ melissavina — Oh man – her look to me just before she said it was ‘killer’, as in CSI pre-murder ‘killer’, as in “I know something that’s gonna embarass you Carrie’ killer… so yeah, she KNEW I’d get embarassed, and I don’t often blush.

    @ brandy — You know, sometimes there really IS no good explanation, or no good enough explanation, as to why some girls do the things they do. It’s such a shame that we can be so catty to each other.

  20. Unfortunately Rebecca said some things that were not a “friend” thing to do…but perhaps she has underlying issues with her own insecurities and talks poorly of others to feel better about herself…take what she says with a grain of salt.

  21. @ tbone — Thanks for stopping by and you’re right; I think she might have some insecurities and wishes to feel better about herself by putting others down.

  22. So, I guess you guys dont have everything in common. Which does suck Carrie. I mean, it’s always sad when you realize a friend you trusted with all your heart and soul betrays you in such a back-stabbing manner.

    But dude, I dont think you should worry about it so much. I mean it was eons ago and really, what’s the big deal about lapdancing? I gave a lap dance the other week when a friend of mine rented a party bus with a stripper pole. No one made a big deal about it. In fact, everyone that did give lap dances, didnt really care when people were recalling parts of the night the next morning. We were all drunk and having a good time, and if drunken memory serves correct, the people who made money, gladly showed it off. P.S. I made an extra $22 that night…what, what!

    Not that were sluts or anything, but alcohol does have the power to make you do things that make you look like a fool. Everyone knows that and I’m sure everyone in the room has a story that they like to supress from memory if they could. If I were you, I would just been like, “Dude, that was like a thousand years ago. And I was drunk and having a good time. Besides, you’re one to talk Mrs. Halloween…”

    I mean, I know you dont like telling other people’s stories, but maybe if Becca got put in her place, she would realize how uncomfortable it is to have others retell your drunken stories and maybe she would stop. In fact, maybe everyone in the company would be utterly grateful if you put her in her place, because who knows how many people she’s put fire into their cheeks?

    Still, whatever you decide to do, and whomever you decide has the best advice for your situation, well…good luck!

  23. […] on occasion but not since I turned 20 have I partied so hard I was hung over for days. Despite what friends or former ‘lovers’ (Philippe) claim to know and say about me – my actions speak louder than […]

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