At Dawn

(Photo: Corbis)

… this is not what I do, it’s the wrong time, for somebody new

I was thinking about The American after not seeing or talking to him for days. He was constantly on my mind – like a shadow on my conscience you know is there but can’t quite catch as it disappears from your view. The initial shock and awe was wearing off, the romantic ideas of being swept away and cared for falling back to the reality of my future and what plans I had made and ideals I want to live up to. But the way that he was in my thoughts wasn’t as I expected. There was no rhyme or reason for me to be thinking of him – I just was. And that got me to wonder, was this the famous ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other sensation that Ms. Bradshaw was talking about? But more importantly was the question, do I even want it?

When I take a step (or 5) back to contemplate this entire situation the attraction that I have to The American and the attraction that he has to me is completely irrational. I have no idea who he is, what he does, how he is, where he is going, what he wants or how he plans to get it. He met me a week ago and already has planned our entire future together and is ready and willing, and has even put into motion moving to my city. He claims that I am “the One” to me, to my friends, to anyone who would listen. And when I found that out – reality hit. The romantic ideal, the movie-script come to life feeling quickly fell into the familiar sense of fear that I have of men who, at the beginning, place you on a pedestal only to one day place you in a cage. When viewed through the lens of scientific rationalization – The American seems to be a man who would use my compassion against me and my need for love as a way to control me.

Perhaps I am being paranoid – but in this day and age of the dating/relationship game you have to be. The lines that defined a relationship that were once clearly drawn have been blurred or even erased by the actions of both men and women who were either in a relationship, in an affair, or hell in both. Apparently the term ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ may not always mean exclusivity… I mean, I had to spell out for my friends what ‘seeing – dating – relationship’ meant to clarify that I wasn’t a whore. Sure; I admit that I told The American that I wasn’t getting married. I’m not. But that doesn’t mean that I am fair game to any and all potential suitors that got it into their heads that this Manolo-lite is “the One”. Now my interest in the opposite sex is for friendship and friendship alone; I shouldn’t have to stop being my polite, friendly and funny self to men just because there are some out there who cannot control their raging emotions, or those men out there who believe that if a pretty girl is nice to you it is actually an invitation to get in her yoga pants.

I have a boyfriend. I know I wrote about taken-attraction in a tongue-and-cheek fashion, but now with The American it went from being funny to being ridiculous. The American knows that I have someone in my life – someone special, someone I know, someone I (will again) trust, someone I care deeply for and who cares deeply and truly for me. As romantic and adventurous and exciting as it would be, at least in my mind, to run off with The American – my body says differently. It says ‘hell no!’. I don’t know about you, but I believe that your body is the most beautiful thing you will ever possess in your entire life, save for that awesome pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. I say this because I found my mind being tricked into this imaginary Hollywood-story while my body stayed steadfast in its ‘no way nuh-uh not while I’m warm and alive’ opinion. As the song goes, my hips don’t lie and I’m starting to feel nervous.

My instructor friend and her boyfriend gave The American the old “If you love/care for something let it go” speech, which got me thinking; if you never really had something, how can you let it go? Granted The American had me going for a while – that is, until I left to see Corporate on Sunday. I admit I thought of The American during my visit with Corporate – but when I compared the two side by side, Corporate won the battle hands down.

The only positive thing that I have realized throughout this entire ordeal with The American is that although Corporate and I had and will have our issues… Corporate is actually a decent guy. His level of jealousy and possessiveness has not crossed over to the dark side – He’s attentive without being overbearing, he’s interested without being obsessed, and he’s eager without being controlling… that is, unless I want him to be. I understand that I could have another man in minute but a guy like Corporate, a guy willing to admit over and over that he messed up and is walking the walk of action to prove he’s sorry… that kind of guy isn’t so irreplaceable. As charming and wonderful as The American has made himself out to be – he’s actually taught me – or brought to my attention, inadvertantly – that Corporate is one of the good ones, which I guess means I am one of the lucky ones.

Even if I have men falling at my feet.

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~ by Carrie on April 19, 2007.

12 Responses to “At Dawn”

  1. Here here! Have men falling at your feet- but have the ability to pick and choose among them too! I find that those close brushes with strangers can show us an incredible amount about ourselves, I’m glad this has been for the good.

  2. I don’t think you are being paraniod. I think you are being smart.
    That’s one of my favorite Carrie lines!
    Oh, and I love the shoes!

  3. i always think that people come into our lives for a reason. perhaps you me the american to help you to see what an amazing person you are, that you COULD have anyone you want, and that who you want happens to be the man you are with- vegas. sometimes it takes something (someone?) like this to open up our eyes to what we have had right in front of us all along.

    LOVE the shoes and obviously, carrie bradshaw’s line.

  4. Yay! I’m so happy to read that you’re not going to allow The American to decide your future for you! And HOT shoes by the way.

  5. Of course not wanting to jump into marriage doesnt make u a whore…that can only make u responsible since u r (as far as i get from ur blog..) thinking about ur studies!! and taking care of an house and husband is no way easy to deal with… on the other hand u can be trully serioully committed with ur boyfriend!!!!!

  6. I know that this post is a crossroads of sorts for you. And any girl can feel for your situation… but I must confess that I couldn’t concentrate on a word you wrote after the appearance of those shoes. I want them for my very own 🙂

  7. I must be odd because while everyone is lovin those shoes I am thinking how much I love those lululemon yoga pants – I’m tired though
    forgive me

  8. Ok, whatever Carrie, I’m gone for a couple of days and you’re already getting proposed to?!?! What?! Cant you put your fabulous life on pause and wait for me to catch up?! Sheesh…LOL! Anyways, how very odd that after only a week of courtship someone would plan their entire life around love. I mean, I’ll admit, it is the stuff of great fairy tales, but maybe it’s because I’ve had too many “evil stepmothers” and “evil wizards” in my life to believe something like that could ever happen to me or to somebody I know. Maybe it is cynical of me to be thinking like that, but at least I cant be faulted for using my head. Anyways, Carrie, I think you did make the right choice (Ok, is it Freudian that I just wrote “wrong” instead of “right”, right now?) and I really hope life and love go really well with Vegas…

  9. @ kyla bea – Thanks girl! That’s some good advice; and I also agree with the ‘brushes with strangers’ line – I’ve met a few strangers who’ve really opened my eyes… just this is the first one to practically suggest marriage. Live and learn I guess.

    @ beth – Thanks! I *heart* CL and I really enjoyed that line from SATC… it still rings true years after I first heard it!

    @ brookem – Wow… thank you 🙂 I don’t even know what to say…you said it well enough!!

    @ brrr… – I think the time and space away from The American and the fairy-tale that he was, I guess in so many words, recruit me for wasn’t sitting right with me. And thanks! I really really like those shoes.

    @ confessinggirl7 – I am very focussed on my career; a house and husband fall under the ‘maybe in the future’ category.

    @ undercover celebrity – ahahaha; next time I’ll keep the shoes for another post!

    @ DT- Seriously David you and I should do virtual coffee or something; you’ve missed a lot!! And yes – it is odd and no – it’s not because of the history of evil-step-whatever. You’re absolutely right; fairy tales are lovely and COULD happen to you, but in this day and age it’s more likely for a nightmare to occur.

    @ b – I adore lululemon pants. In fact I’m wearing some right now – so no worries about noticing and loving the lulu!!

  10. You know, I have a lot to say about this post about men and life and timing, but I can’t concentrate because I’m just thinking about shoes… Oh, and I agree, that’s one of my favourite Carrie lines too!

  11. I was just passing through and got hooked on your story. And I must admit, as much as I love the shoes, nothing beats a good pair of lulu pants.

  12. @ brandy – noted: next time save the shoes for a lesser-thought provoking post!

    @ carla – thank you for stopping by; and I agree – NOTHING beats a good pair of lulu pants, especially on days when you don’t feel your best!

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