Liquid Courage/Fluidic Stupidity

The cause of, but not always the solution to…

Cranberry vodka’s are dangerous. Very dangerous. Don’t let the eye-pleasing red colour and smooth-but-sweet taste fool you; it is very dangerous. Unfortunately, cranberry vodka was my choice of drink for the previous posts holiday party with Paris… and apparently my drink was not the only thing that was smooth-but-sweet and red by the end of the evening. Or should I say the end of last week?

Homer Simpson said it best when he proclaimed “TO alcohol! The cause of… and solution to, all of life’s problems”. Except the whole solution to bit… haven’t quite figured that one out yet. At the current moment this is purely speculation on my part, but when Paris spoke to me today he mentioned that at the holiday party of horrors, I, who under normal (read: sober) conditions am calm and cool and collected, but most importantly guarded… let slip that he in fact broke my heart… and that he knew that it wasn’t a light hearted joke ( at the time I had tried to explain it away in my complete and utter shock and awe at myself for being so careless) as I followed it up with something witty and then promptly disappeared.

As you would expect, upon hearing what I had said in my inebriated and apparently courageous state I was mortified. Absolutely mortified. I mean, how could I have been so … open? So vulnerable? So emotionally slutty? Granted Paris has always had the innate ability to draw my secrets out of me with a look, a smile or simply just his presence but STILL… my GOD!

So what did I do? I couldn’t run away simply because we are in 2 different cities… which at this moment is working to my incredible advantage. My lame attempts to joke or explain it away over the phone were failing, partially because he knows me so well and partially… well, because I had nothing! No, I did what I always do in these types of awkward situations where I find myself unbelievably embarrassed; I said I had to go and stopped talking to him. And that was about a week ago. Luckily I was hospitalized for a brief period of time so I have the perfect excuse as to why I have been avoiding him… Well, and everyone else really.

But back to my point: I am partly mortified with my statement of ill-reprise of our are-we-are-we-not…-seriously conundrum of a year ago (never-you-mind what Blogger tells you; I had to re-post) because it is simply not true. Paris did not break my heart; he confused the hell out of me and made my heart ache… but not break. Only one man has broken my heart… no, wait, 2. 1 was my uncle who passed away not long ago… and the other is Vegas. I didn’t want to give Paris the impression that I categorized him on that level, where the emotional pain actually manifested itself into a physical and palpable form to the point of exhaustion. It hurt with Paris… but not that badly.

The other half of mortification comes from … well, my inability to speak the words I’ve written here about Paris to Paris without liquid courage, which we all know that in the best of times, it turns into fluidic stupidity. I don’t even know where, when or how I am going to explain myself out of this catastrophe… or even if I should. Maybe something’s are better left unsaid, or in this case, unexplained.

I just wish he wasn’t so wonderful about it…


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~ by Carrie on December 13, 2006.

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