in solemn stillness

to hear the angels sing…

Six hours after I had left my apartment, and after a harrowing rush through the airport and the check-in line at the hotel I was there. My prep-time had been significantly reduced, from 3 hours to less than 1, so with half-curled hair, rushed on make up and not-so-sticky sticky-boobs my girl friends and I trekked down to the basement and arrived for the party. I was greeted by familiar ‘voices’ and old friends and got lost in the conversations that arise when old friends, new friends and alcohol are mixed in an energetic and friendly atmosphere. Slowly but surely the entrance area filled with commotion, so much that I didn’t even realize that Paris had arrived, slipped in under my radar and I can only assume was instantly swamped with admirers and colleagues.

I was surrounded by my girlfriends, but from the corner of my eye I saw him across the room… or maybe he saw me. Our eyes met for a second… and the next 15 minutes were spent with a glance here, there and everywhere, and before words were spoken a smile. I required a bit of liquid courage and Paris by himself… not only to speak to him in person, the first time in months, but hopefully to put me in the right state of consciousness to not get sucked back into the two years of never being different between us. I had determined to not let myself fall back into fog that was Paris… Another man in my life who left me asking ‘what becomes of us?’, hoping that this time, next time, some time… it will be different.

And it wasn’t. Different, that is. Paris was, is and ever shall be himself. Calm and popular, effortlessly cool and magnetic. I got maybe 20, no, 30 minutes of sporadic conversation before being stolen away, or have him stolen from me… and I could tell and so could he just by being around each other that we no longer shared the same connection and understanding that came so naturally that we once had.

But oh how I missed him! The looks, the smiles, the piercing eye contact, the warm hugs, that kiss… friend kisses on the hand and the back of my head as he put me in a loving headlock… and just his presence was both nerve wracking and familiar at the same time. I’d see him steal glances of me from the shadows all throughout the evening as my girlfriends and I stole the spotlight. And yet… he never went out of his way to find me; I had to go to him. I mean, to his credit he did go out of his way after I had gotten his attention to be sure we could speak in relative privacy, but otherwise… it’s been two years of never being different. And I guess it never will.

We spoke a few times more before he vanished for the night. I was informed, by someone else, that he was hosting a small after-party in this suite but as I arrived in my red dress and silver shoes my knocks on his door were met with silence, and I ended my evening the same way I started it; alone.

And now I am back in Ottawa… and although I know that he and I will speak again, I can’t say the same about seeing him again. Paris’ lame quasi-attempts to come to my city have thus far been few and far between… in fact, the only time I’ve seen him this year is when I made the effort to go. I doubt that I will attend another function like this, where he and I will meet in person, and as I turned to walk away I left any desire to return to see him on the threshold of his unanswered door. Again, we never said goodbye.

I think Paris had done all that he was supposed to do in my life; and now that he has, it is time to move on. Our connection was intense as it was brief; similar and uncanny like an uncharted island. However you can only stay on one island for so long before you get restless, needing to spread your proverbial wings and explore. But the most important component for me to move on, really and truly move on from him, is the fact that I finally realize that Paris, and any other man can not start or continue to drag me along pretending to want me when really, he doesn’t. Paris’ greatest lesson to me, is that I need someone who wants me just as much as I want them. And for that lesson I will forever be grateful to Paris… but nothing more.

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~ by Carrie on November 27, 2006.

4 Responses to “in solemn stillness”

  1. Carrie, Carrie, Carrie…you foolish ne’er-do-well in love! But it’s ok…the people who capture our hearts have this amazing capability to make us do the craziest things. I dont know all about this Paris guy, but what from what I read, it sounds to me like getting involved with him will end in tears and countless empty cartons of Ben & Jerry’s. I’m really glad you see this Carrie. And I know it’s gonna be a little hard at first to move on and trust someone else with your heart…so my advice is be strong and keep the faith. The faith that in the end, good people like you, Carrie, will always win in war and in love.

  2. What the hell!!! I just read it all.. what a prick! Asshole! So, he never answered the door when you knocked..

  3. Wow! What a party of hightened emotions you must have gone through. As if he was like this. Men soo suck, there are so canny with the way they treat us but I’m really proud of you for realizing how much you deserve more in your life than he can offer.

  4. […] our pharmacological knowledge in an adverse way. Anyways, she and I were discussing our up-coming Christmas party at the office and of course, when our dress shopping would commence. Bre was telling me that lately […]

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