Only Me

Aka your 1:7 billion…

Another recurring and scary trend that I have noticed during my run on the mating game is that men you have for one reason or another deemed as a ‘friend’ may not always have your best interest in mind. I suppose that is not something groundshaking or new; but each time it presents itself to me I am shocked… friends are friends: they hold you up when you are down, they convince you you’re a good person/beautiful/not incompetent when you believe you’re awful/ugly/ridiculously incompetent… and when being your friend is that simple, guys and girls do an equally amazing job. However once dating advice comes into play, why is it that a number of guys, ok, a number of my so-called platonic guy friends bring up the “only me” statements that misdirect the conversation from you and guy-of-interest to you and guy- friend?

I do not know if this holds true for every girl with a handful of platonic male friends; someone you’ve deemed as having a quality or two that makes sleeping with them completely unacceptable. But for some reason or another, and whether or not they have girlfriends or significant others, they slip in some passive-aggressive statements that make you think, or at the very least pause and stop, that they are the only male on the planet who understands you?

Now we all know that this is impossible: there are 7 billion people on this planet, which comes out to a better chance that you will eventually find someone or many someone’s out there who understand you. Besides, he’s your friend, a buddy and not a potential boyfriend. You know that and as far as you are concerned he knows that. Except for the fact that this notion has not stopped three, yes three of my platonic guy friends from saying at one time or another, and repeatedly in one way or another that they are the only guy I know who ‘gets me’.

I find this notion both laughable and insulting. If a girl said that to a guy, if a woman said that to a man, she would be written off as psychotic, unstable and crazy…. but when a guy does it to a girl, if a man does it to a woman… he is a hero; a knight in shining armor waiting to rescue her from the black-hole sun that is her dating field.

Let me give you an example: while watching a movie with my platonic, wonderful yet completely unfuckable friend… let’s call him “Pete”, made comments to me throughout and after the movie about my many quirks that he supposedly noticed during the few hours that we were together; now it was a nice revelation to hear, however he followed it up with “see? and I am probably the ONLY one of your friends who notices these things about you; I know you.” He’s said those things before, emphasis his, on the only that he dishes out to hammer home the fact that he and he alone knows my soul…

Point of fact: a lot of people know my quirks and can read me like a book, some better than others. But just because you have learned to recognize my idiosyncrasies and my small neurosis and believe them to be cute does NOT mean that you can convince me that you and I are eternal soulmates when I have already filed you away under the ‘friends’ category. Congrats, you know me, but that’s not enough.

Another example: a friend of mine, let’s call him “Vince”, is currently dating and has dated this one girl for quite a while, a string of women that never seems to end. I don’t blame him; he is smart, charming, giving and apparently amazing in the sack. Who wouldn’t want him? … oh, well besides me. We are friends: we decided that a while ago and have had a wonderful relationship ever since… but he’s let slip many many many times that no other man could treat me as well as he could, and that he’s upset that he’ll never get to show me what real romance is, and that he is the only living proof that good men exist in this world…. well, you get the point.

Point of fact: yes there are a LOT of Sketchbag McGees out there who do not treat women or anyone for that matter well. Yes I have had my unfair share of them. However, I have to believe that there are more good men out there than there are bad… otherwise how else would I explain why those nice guys are always trapped with those bitchy girls and vice versa? Out of … let’s say 3.2 billion men in this world, more than 1 will know how to treat a lady. Seriously.

I guess it is so upsetting because this kind of passive-aggressive sell is only dished out once a person-of-interest enters your life, and it seems as if they are subconsciously trying to prevent a relationship from beginning so as to not lose that sense of hope that maybe, one day, some day, you’ll turn around and see the light, proclaiming your undying love for them. First they find something wrong with your new guy while playing up their strengths; then they keep reiterating how well they know me in comparison without understanding that oh em gee this guy is brand new and hasn’t even had a chance; and then they advise as ‘friends’ that I be careful and that there are a lot of wackos out there (dually noted) and that they are ‘always here’ if I need them (yeahuh). This kind of behaviour is only friendly on the surface: they make it seem as if they are looking out for your best interest when they are clearly only serving their own.

Not too long ago, Vince let slip that when he knows that I am single, and I venture that it is the same for all girls with platonic friends who want more, it gives him a sense of comfort knowing that I am ‘still available’. What I can’t help but wonder is … we discussed the fact that we would never date, each friend of mine and I… so why in the face of the facts does he and Pete and other guy friends still try to sabotage another man’s chance of legitimately being with me?

Seriously; in this drama scare tactics and reverse psychology only work on the stupid. If you successfully scare me into believing that no other can do whatever it is that you magically can… then I won’t love you. I’ll settle for you. And is that really want you want, to be settled for? To have her say ‘I do’ when it’s really ‘You’ll do’? Really. If I am not dating you, and remember I am single, it’s because you’re missing something that I need in order to have a relationship with you. Scaring me into believing that no other man could possibly live up to your place of superiority is not the way to find what you don’t have that I need. Oh no; but it does gets me off. Pissed off.

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~ by Carrie on October 17, 2006.

2 Responses to “Only Me”

  1. Yeah…I think as a group, we’re like that. Men, I mean. I dont know if it’s nuture or nature, but I’ll admit, I’ve said before to a female friend that I totally “get you.” I think because as guys, we like to be smart and number one. Basically, we love having our egos stroked (among other things!). Up until now, I didnt realize how arrogant it makes me sound. I just thought it was a good thing to say to a friend, to help them not feel so alone. Maybe I was wrong.

    And as for your guy friends, you know, the ones that seem to discourage you from ever finding the love of your life…you may need to avoid them for a while. I know, it may be a little mean, but everyone knows if you want happiness in your life, you shouldnt surround yourself with people who will continue to bring you down. So good luck…as a guy I can tell you that guys dont take rejection very well…

  2. In the context of comfort I agree: it is always nice to know that you are not alone, even when you think you are. However, in the context of ‘don’t go for that guy because I’m here but I won’t come out and say it I’ll just sprinkle doubt into your mind while portraying myself to be the good guy’… that’s kind of annoying.

    But I know girls who do it too… to their guy friends they want to want them more, so really neither sex is immune to this type of behaviour.

    My really good guy friends should know, and maybe this is my bad because I might not tell them enough, that they will always be the man-of-honour… just not the man we’d date/relationship/marry.

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