The Importance of Something and the Meaning of Nothing

I think that one of the most frustrating feelings one could have while engaged in the dating game is the feeling of something that is missing, especially when you can’t place your finger on that “something”. Granted the entire idea of dating is finding out whether or not you are compatible with someone, and really when you think about it you’re going to get more misses than hits… but still. The moment of realization that this person you’re seeing may not be “the one” is always a let down. It’s not that there is anything wrong with that person… it’s just the fact that they are not right. You may not be able to concretely describe why this person is not right but deep down you know; and I guess that’s all the proof you need.

Last night I saw the teacher, a guy I met not too long ago with a profile (and jaw-line) that looked promising. He’s a bit older than I am, and although I understand that older doesn’t necessarily mean more mature, I prefer to see men who are at least 2-3 years older than I am. The teacher is attractive, intelligent, has a good job and a set routine, he’s great with kids and so relaxed, which is a nice opposite to my overactive mentality. We’ve had four or five dates and things were starting to appear promising. But last night was different; something was off about me, about my body, about my mind, so much that I had to stop what I was doing (and that wasn’t easy, let me tell you!) and think. It was like I had just run into a window pane of foggy glass. Apparently this “something” was quite noticeable, as even the teacher noticed the change in my mood, saying that he had never seen me so “pensive” and “gone so long without you talking”.

I have had the pleasure of meeting many people such as myself: that although I may not always say what is on my mind, if you know them/me well enough you can simply read it off their facial expressions and body language. In this case with the teacher, it seemed confusing to him but so obvious to me. I have a good understanding of my body language and how my mind works. I’m stubborn, so answers or warning signs that are clear to others often takes a bit longer to sink into my thick head, and I think that’s what happened last night with the teacher. I finally realized that something was off, and it was bothering me all night until this morning when it finally clicked. When it comes to the teacher, although he seems to have everything he is still missing something that I need:

Butterflies. He doesn’t give me butterflies, not when I see him nor when I think of him. And that is what I am missing. That is my “something” that has the potential, and probably will, to prevent me from dating the teacher. It is the “something” that I simply cannot do without, because without it what we have is … well, nothing.

I guess that’s the downside to knowing yourself too well; you know what you want and what you don’t want… but most importantly you know what you need. As nice as the teacher is, as cute and smart and oh-so-attractive, that something is missing; something important enough to make me reconsider our quasi-relationship.

I will admit that I am young; 21 to be exact, not really what one would call “seasoned” in the game of love. However I have been in love and I have been in relationships that feel right… well at least they did at the beginning, and I’ve been stuck in relationships that have felt so wrong I had to escape. So in a sense I know what I should be feeling and what I shouldn’t, what I need to feel and what I need to pursue a relationship with someone who fulfills those needs.

With the teacher I am content; I am not unhappy but at the same time I am not exquisitely joyful. And it’s not because of anything he has done or hasn’t done. We get along just fine, we’re both somewhat attracted to each other, we have similar interests and can make the other laugh. Now on paper this sounds lovely, and being with him is nice… but that’s all it is. The butterflies are missing, and I can’t trick my body or my mind into believing something else after experiencing what real love is like. I can’t, and nor should anyone else, fool myself into believing that a 5/10 relationship is worth it or good enough. I guess what it comes down to is this, my third dating mantra: Give me Butterflies, or Give me Space.

Some people call it butterflies, some people call it the zsa-zsa-zsu. Either way it’s that feeling in the pit of your stomach of nervousness that makes you feel excited and alive. Butterflies can change the way you breathe, the way you eat, the way you act, the way you speak. It’s the initial contact, the first touch, glance or stare that takes your breath away… and with the teacher it isn’t there. And that made me sad… but at the same time I do not believe in settling for an ok-relationship when I could find someone who gives me butterflies. As sad as I am in light of this fact… I don’t settle for anything else in life, not for shoes, not for education, not for friends, and not for me; so why should I settle for something as important as a potential lover? Settling for an ok lover makes absolutely no sense, and any lover/boyfriend/significant other I taken on must at least give me butterflies.

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~ by Carrie on August 18, 2006.

One Response to “The Importance of Something and the Meaning of Nothing”

  1. […] run, overtaken with girlish glee at my first ‘real’ kiss in almost a year. It ended with the Teacher but the point is; we’ve all been there, we’ve all done it, and we’ve all loved […]

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